Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Who are we?

Are we a conscious mass made up of our experiences? If you hadn't went parking with Connie Cardova in the 11 grade would you be less spontaneous now? If you hadn't gotten into that fist fight with the guy from math class in the 5th grade would you be more meek and less of a predilection for fighting? Do all of our actions have a lifetime of reactions?

Are we simply products of our environment? Civilized people living in a civilized society. Except for that one strange neighbor that's up at all hours building weird shit in his garage because no one told him not to do drugs as a kid.

Once you think you know who you are and finally pick a path to becoming the best you you can imagine, is it easier to continue even when faced with things you know aren't right then to admit the direction you've chosen is wrong? Stick to your guns, keep the course.

But then... but then we are what people see we are. I see you, eyes and knees and heart I SEE you! But even then I see people all day and I don't know them. I could know someone for a year and still not have an absolute perception of them.

We evolve every day, some times so fast we can't even keep up with ourselves how can we expect someone else much less EVERYONE else to keep up. Change is change is change when you hear "People never change" that's bullshit. It's the only thing we do without even trying.

Monday, November 16, 2015

November Ghosts

This year after Samhain the veil is thinner then it's ever been for me, for us. I don't know what happened in the past year to open my senses to so much more but so much has happened we have a list on the fridge to add to. Guen and I are getting hit hard this year, whispers, flickers out of the corner of the eye, people walking down the hallway when no one else is home, something repeatedly unclasping my necklace.

I saw someone. Full bodied, standing behind me in the bathroom mirror. Hair color, eye color, expression, everything. I didn't have my glasses on so of course I question what I saw but it was clear, too clear. I spun around and no one was there, I spun back and it was just me. With no experience in this I instantly started crying and panic attacking.

I understand that spirits are here all the time. I understand they can be seen, will be seen, choose to be seen. It's a little different understanding it and KNOWING it.

I'm not looking for any advise on how to cleanse my house or close my mind or helping them cross over or protection blah blah blah. This isn't my first Witchy rodeo, trust me.

What I wanna know is, have YOU seen like truly SEEN someone who isn't there. Had a physical encounter where something in this reality was altered or moved by something not tangible and you saw it. And how do you accept and or embrace what's happening. And how do you ensure yourself you aren't loosing you mind? And with the blinds removed and spectral filters dissolved what effect does that have on everything else? Because sometimes I feel like I'm overwhelmed from the inside out and I feel things more intensely and I see intentions and I can feel cause and effect in peoples questions and situations. I mean I always could which helped me read tarot but I don't need the cards anymore, I can read people and see their darkness and feel their design. And what's scarier is I can see mine as well, too clear for anyone to be allowed to see themselves.

I hadn't realized all this has been happening till right this second but once I thought about it it all has been happening in the past month or so. Will it close with the veil? Do I want it to?

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

When nothing makes sense.. and everything hurts.

 Find the flaky ends of the scab and peel until you're raw and shiny. 

Pour in the salt, one crystal at a time. 

Somewhere deep underneath is the old familiar ache that hurts so good.
 Give it a good lashing. 

Then slowly rinse the salt and apply the band-aid and watch the sinew and bone knit itself into a beautiful scar... waiting for you till next time. 

Friday, January 9, 2015


Unrequited…  alone this word is sad, melancholic, monstrous, soul cracking. But then you pair it with affection, attention, love, and it becomes life changing.

Whether you are just stepping into the chasm of oblivious responses and unrecognized sincerity or you’ve been trudging this path for years of unthanked attentions it still feels the same. Just somehow older and deeper and it crawls through your entire being, gnawing at your intelligent notions of right and wrong, do and don’t. 

The thing about this lowest of base emotions is how acutely it effects everyone who is in arm’s length. How can the sound of love falling over a cliff and breaking at the bottom be heard by everyone around but not the intended? I think this is false. I think the intended nearly always hears their unloved hearts break. But in having no intension of returning such a fierce need the most humane road is to ignore it. 

As the giver it’s enough to ache your chest and disrupt your dreams, manifest into beautifully imagined futures. Once it’s been built so high the louder the fall when reality takes hold and the pounding in your ears is literally your dreams crashing in your mind. 

As the receiver… no one talks about that though. The receiver is supposed to be dense to it. A smiling friend.  A trusted confidant. A silent coward.

As the observer, watching the most fucked up action of the human heart is uncomfortable and disconcerting.

Monday, November 4, 2013

I'm made of the Universe

I'm still trying to find that niche that I'll feel completely comfortable in here. I try to be existential and decide I don't need to be put in a niche but floating around on the outside of everyone's reality isn't working. Just a tiny ledge in the mountain to grasp a true concept of the texture of this place. My number is still vibrating in the desert and is twining like a tuning fork out here. I'm almost afraid once I resonate I will lose something that I didn't even know I had and wont ever be able to get it back.

We all have people, our family and friends, and when they look at you you can see yourself in them, in their eyes, mannerisms, tone, energy. I never once considered what would happen if I took almost all of that away. If I can't see myself reflected back sometimes I forget what it was I was supposed to be. I should have my personal code ingrained in me by now that I should never lose sight of what I'm made of...

Thursday, October 17, 2013


Is it my internal clock... or the blessed sky light?? I think the latter, I wake up at 9am every day, no matter if I got home at midnight and stayed up till 2am spending time with my honey... 9am, get up!!

Which is good, great actually. I've never been one for mornings. Instead of throwing the covers over my head I succumb to the reality of normality and wake up. Because now there are choices to make.

For years, probably too many, I didn't really have to make time choices. If I wanted to do 20 things in one day I did them all, with time as my bitch. I never had to choose what was more important or satisfying, and I could always sleep in the next day.

I know it's only been a few weeks but I am totally digging this prioritizing, choosing, and energy. I feel... that's right I said it, I feel rejuvenated and very wake. When time was my bitch I abused her and threw so much of her away. Now, everything counts... everything. If it takes 5 minutes to help Guen with her chores so she wont be so stressed out I'm so doing it. An hour to kill, decorate, sweep, listen.

I like it. Not that my jobs are grand or anything but I am appreciating the sun and the moon and the clock. I miss the lazy minutes, and the never ending moments with the kids. Them knowing I am ALWAYS there, every minute. And sometimes I think that what I'm making working is in no way worth the moments I'm missing at home, but then I remember that this is what I want and it's agreeing with me.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Pick me Pick me!!

I have a third interview tomorrow. I can't decide if job interviews give more hope or less. Getting ready for the interview you're all 'Hellz yea I'm gonna nail this shit!' When you don't get the job your kind of all... huh. Even a job in interviews is better then nothing I guess. I can only keep myself entertained for so long...